Lately i have been thinking a lot about a very depressing topic, the point of life.
I am writing this hoping it brings some clarity to me and i can find a solution.
I am a free spirit. The wind takes me to where i need to go. I look to settle but there has been nothing anywhere i go that offers me a chance to do so. What does one do? I feel i am watching life pass me by as i live each day just trying to survive. Yes my life is very different from most but, is it really? Maybe my problem is this.. maybe i am looking for too much, expecting too much. Maybe i should just not worry about my future and worry about today and tomorrow and leave everything else to the wind. Let the wind guide me to the places i need to go.
There is no life for me in the office environment. This makes it very difficult for a youngster to try start a new life. Everything these days has become unrealistically expensive and this is resulting in a huge increase in the depression within the youth. I can see it in me, and i have been told many times that my strength and ability to rise out of the ashes is inspirational. But this inspiration doesn’t pay for food.
What i do has no value to anyone. As soon as i ask for some sort of payment, my work is dumped in the trash. Why? Why do i have this dark cloud that holds me back from achieving anything. As soon as something goes right, everything else goes wrong. Is it just me who is getting tired of playing these games? I hope it is because if it isn’t i feel sorry for those who experience what i do. I wish not this type of struggle upon anyone.
I have been trying to get cheep land and basic structures in the mountains. Not to serve my selfish greed, but to help people who are lost like i am. Maybe this is the problem. I am looking for a place to help those who are like me before i look for a place who can help me. But the place i wish to set up and run doesn’t help me the same way it helps others. Getting the place, having something fixed and strong is what i need. This floating around is depressing. I need a place to land and sink my roots. I look back on my life and i have noticed that i have always just floated around, like the wind. Everyone knows i exist but no one notices whether i am there or not. My “friends” at school used to come and go frequently, opportunities came and went just as frequently. Nothing ever came of anything i have ever done in my life. Maybe its because i was weak. Maybe i gave up to easily. I don’t thing this is the case, as if it were then why am i still here and not back to my comfort zone?
I feel i have a purpose. My purpose is to help all those who i can. And in away i have managed that. I gave a life an opportunity to change and gave it the equipment to make that change and it was successful. Maybe that is it. Maybe like the trees told me, just stop running and trust in us. Maybe this is what i need to do. Trust that i will settle when i find my place. Part of me agrees and part doesn’t. I am here, i didn’t come here to do nothing, so what did i come here for?
I do believe the wind and trees guide me to where i need to be. For me to be where i am would be impossible if it didn’t work like this. But if it does work like this then why is everything so hard? Do i have to struggle even more then i am already?
I’ll tell you what i am going to do. Take a deep breath in… and exhale all expectations of success and ease. I am going to breath in the life that is here and as i exhale i prepare to just make the most of what i have.
I am not a stupid person and many this makes life more difficult, but damn i feel like there is no hope in this world.